I’ve talked a lot about my youth and challenges I’ve faced surrounding my health and body image. All of this leads up to my Big Confession. Beginning in my late teens, I began a struggle with bulimia. As I mentioned, I always associated skinny with healthy. When I started college, the classic saying about the freshman 15 was joked about but also pointed out. This was also around the time I became a varsity cheerleader at the University of Wyoming. My biggest worry became not wanting to be the “chunky” cheerleader. However, I loved food and a good party.
But what is bulimia? The dictionary definition says: an eating disorder characterized by regular, often secretive bouts of overeating followed by self-induced vomiting or purging, strict dieting, or extreme exercise, associated with persistent and excessive concern with body weight. Also called binge-purge syndrome.
· an eating disorder in which a large quantity of food is consumed in a short period of time, often followed by feelings of guilt or shame. Also called binge-eating syndrome
For anyone that was close to me during this time, they most certainly had to see it. When I began my health journey almost four years ago, I reached out to one of my closest friends, Shelby. She was working with a business that was using supplements and the ketogenic diet to lose weight. At 185 lbs. I had hit rock bottom and needed help. This was the spark I needed. While getting set up and talking with her, I voiced frustration of not being able to lose the weight despite going to the gym. Her reply? “Michelle, you used to workout 30 hours in a 24-hour day. You can’t expect to suddenly change that.” She was right. What she didn’t mention was I wasn’t just working out non-stop, but I would ingest upwards of eleven Dexatrims a day, especially on game days. In addition to that, I loved food, so where did it all go? Exercise can only do so much.
We had weekly weigh-ins for cheerleading. The rule was if you were five pounds above or below what was deemed healthy, you ran the risk of not cheering. Unlike myself, there were those that displayed the extremes of unhealthy weight loss. Coaches intervened and focused on mandatory weight training and conditioning for all of us without really noticing what we were doing outside of practice. For me, making sure I never gained the weight but more importantly, that no one ever knew how I was actually maintaining it was key. In one of my English classes, I wrote a very well researched paper about eating disorders and their effects on the body. I noted the signs to look for and reasons so many suffered from eating disorders. I received an A for my work. I also used the information to subvert any signs that I had a problem. I didn’t binge/purge like so many believe by regurgitating everything I ate. It was easier and less obvious by taking laxatives or water loss pills. I could eat what I wanted and just…move it along and no one was the wiser, at least in my mind. I would often order a large pizza with everything on it, then go do a two-hour workout, pop a laxative and repeat as necessary. On game days, I didn’t want to eat and feel “heavy” for my cheer partner or on top of a pyramid, so in comes the diet pills. You take enough of them, and they become their own drug. I wouldn’t eat, and therefore, didn’t feel “heavy.”
I did this for years, even after I left college. It wasn’t until my now husband and I were living together that he actually noticed what I was doing and intervened. After that, I won’t say that I stopped completely, but I was more cautious about how I was conducting my little balance. As I gained the weight, and began to feel out of control, I would try to periodically revert back to my old habits. This would cause me to feel awful both physically and mentally. The guilt was almost worse than the weight that would budge but for one day. Truth be told, I never fully admitted nor said out loud that I had this disorder until the last few years. Since beginning my health journey, I haven’t tried to take that quick fix. That being said, it is an ongoing battle in my mind. Eating disorders don’t just go away. Days when I’m feeling bloated or perhaps, I enjoyed one too many whiskies the night before, or I didn’t get my exercise in as planned. Maybe the scale changed by a pound or two. There is that little voice that says, just flush it out and start over tomorrow. Fortunately, my much stronger voice says, “you’ve worked too hard to quit now.”
I say all of this to perhaps put a different look on the vision of eating disorders. The definition is right, but it needs to go a step further. Eating disorders come from a distorted view of how we look at ourselves. Much like I discussed in my body image article. In the end, it all comes down to how we love and honor ourselves and what we say to ourselves. I encourage all of you to take a look in the mirror and pick out just one thing you love. When you want to make a change in your life, the first step is to recognize where you are today and visualize where you want to be. Too often we focus on what is wrong and point out our flaws or where we are weak. Instead make note of all of your strengths and build from there.
Have a great day!
Miche
コメント