I’ve laid it all out there. My past struggles; my current challenges and so what now? I see all the time on social media, the question “If you could go back to …..what would you change?” My answer every time is, nothing. Sure, there are times you would like to take back words that were said. Perhaps now you think back to a reckless decision or action and think, wow that was a bad idea. In reality all of those coulda, woulda, shoulda’s shape where we are today. We couldn’t be where we are without having traveled from where we were.
Okay, so I’m not a Zen Master but you get the point. When I think back to my 20’s and how I was active and able to work off all the Taco Bell and pizza I’d ingested over the weekend, I never really knew what some of my friends who weren’t thin or who tried to eat their best but couldn’t get the weight to move. I couldn’t relate. When I started to gain the weight, I was in denial for a long time as to what was happening. I kept telling myself, oh this is just a small set back, I can lose those (fill in the blank) pounds. It wasn’t until I became engaged that the realized how far off, I was. For that brief time, I stepped up my game and worked hard to drop a few pounds so I could wear the wedding dress of my dreams. For that very brief time, it worked. However, it didn’t last, and my mind really wasn’t ready to change. I spent the next 18 years gaining, then losing a small bit, then gaining again and gaining even more. Some say yo-yo dieting, but it was more like deciding to bungee jump, getting to the edge and instead of jumping off, I just dangled my legs, calling it good and then standing back up and walking away. At one point, I had reluctantly decided that gaining my health back and losing the weight just wasn’t going to happen and I needed to be happy where I was.
I never really was happy with myself. I spent significant time and energy hiding my feelings, wearing clothes that “slimmed” my appearance and just acting as though this was all okay. We all carry the baggage of the past and just like any vacation I take, I was way over packed. When I finally decided to make the change, the most important thing I did was visualize where I wanted to be. I knew that the only way to get there was to set down those bags. My bags were filled with the mementoes of being a UW Cheerleader. I was holding on to the visual of trying to buy clothes at a larger size in a boutique called “1-3-5”. Guess what sizes they sold? The guilt of how I treated my body. The shame of wishing I could wear a swimsuit beyond the privacy of my house or even wearing something other than the baggiest clothes to the gym. That luggage had grown over the 18 years, and it was time to set it down.
Taking that step wasn’t easy and if you know me now and if you knew me then, you may be saying, “I could never do that.” To be honest, if that’s what you’re saying to yourself, you’re right. You won’t ever be able to achieve anything unless you believe you can. Cliché but true. When I started, people thought I was crazy and didn’t understand why I was going to “extremes.” I guess when you look at how I lived prior to December 4, 2017, it probably did seem extreme. As I’ve said, I love food and I love a good nap/lazy day. However, when I decided to set down those bags, I also decided that I wanted the goal of regaining my health, losing the weight, and loving myself more than I wanted that chocolate chip cookie or (insert something you love to eat here.) I would get discouraged when the weight wasn’t just leaping off my body and yes, there were times when I nearly said, screw this. It was then that I would look back at those bags I set down and reminded myself of where I’ve been. We can’t and shouldn’t change the past. My past challenges with weight and self-esteem are what have driven me to be stronger, to try new things and to push myself to make permanent changes in my life. Running my first 5k and then completing a 10k. Skinning up a mountain. I’ve found new things to push me. In addition, it’s given me the perspective of what it’s like to struggle with weight. It’s what’s driving me now to become a certified health and fitness coach. My struggle isn’t unique but having gone through it, I believe I have a better insight as to what many feel and go through. This is my goal and where I’m headed. I hope you will continue to follow me and know that we when you are ready to say, “I can and I will,” I will be here by your side.
Have a great holiday and stay safe and healthy!
Miche
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